An Essay on S.A. –
Socialized Abandonment for Men and Boys
By Dr. Michael Obsatz – September 2025
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Herb Goldberg wrote, in The New Male (1979) that, “Women bend and men break. The blueprint for men to
prove masculinity supersedes the instinct to survive.”
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In this essay, I am going to write about socialized abandonment for boys and men, and how it impacts
them for their whole lives. As young boys, men are taught to not cry, be independent, and be strong in
all situations. They are told to pretend they know something even when they don’t, and to not need the
help of others.
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This denial of vulnerability and need for pseudo-independence creates an image, a false facade. Boys
and men learn to abandon others as well as themselves. They grieve this major loss with isolation,
depression, anger and rage. Giving up the emotional and vulnerable parts of themselves happens early,
and is rarely discussed as a loss experience, an early death. Terrence Real discusses men and depression
in his book I Don’t Want to Talk About It (1998).
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Because of their pain and their need to hide it, they turn to rage, self-destruction, violence and need for
excessive control. Perfect for Empire Consciousness — about scarcity, fear, control, hierarchy,
addiction and domination. When some men act out their rage on others, and sometimes themselves,
many people are shocked and surprised. “What made him kill all those people?’
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Until we raise boys to be whole people, with needs, feelings, and healthy channels of expression, they
will continue to swallow their hurt, and cough it up in violent outbursts. Empathy and compassion need
to be taught as part of “healthy masculinity.”
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There is a time to be vulnerable and a time to hold back. I call that “selective vulnerability.” The
violence perpetrated by males is an outcry against their own internal suffering and sadness.
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Abandonment is always the core cause of violence. All boys and men need to be loved, and taught
empathy and compassion. This is part of Oneness Consciousness and cannot be legislated.
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Anne Wilson Schaef’s book, When Society Becomes an Addict (1988), shared her views about power,
control, and addiction. Pete Seeger’s song Where Have All the Flowers Gone? is all about socialized
abandonment. Time to look at the relationship between the “boy code” and Empire Consciousness.
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Check out www.lifesjourney.us for more on this.
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© 2025, Dr. Michael Obsatz – all rights reserved, www.lifesjourney.us
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